


learning to be loved

by respoftw



Series: 2019 Hurt/Comfort Bingo [3]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e14 Tao of Rodney, M/M, Melodrama, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 04:36:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19804894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/respoftw/pseuds/respoftw
Summary: Eventually, Rodney decided it was best not to bother looking for love any more.  He didn’t need it, no matter what The Beatles said.  Who needed love when there was science and engineering and discovery and wormholes and the chance to explore the galaxy.





	learning to be loved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ananova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ananova/gifts), [popkin16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/popkin16/gifts).



Rodney’s mother didn’t love him.

He was aware that it was a cliche - the misunderstood genius whose mommy hadn’t loved him enough or loved him too much - but that didn’t make it any less true.

The truth was that Rodney had never really minded the lack of love shown to him by his own mother because he knew it wasn’t personal. His mother didn’t love anything; not her husband, not her job, not the kid that she’d been stuck with by accident or even the second kid that she’d been naive enough to think would fix whatever the hell was broken in her marriage.

No, he didn’t mind that his mother found him undeserving of love. It was everyone else who agreed with her that was the problem.

It wasn’t that people _couldn’t_ love him, because some people did. For a short time. His father loved him for eight years until Rodney pointed out a flaw in his grand unifying theory, fixing the calculation but destroying their relationship. Jeannie lasted longer than most, loving him for almost twenty-two years until Rodney ruined it all again by not agreeing with her choice to throw her education away because an English major couldn’t figure out how a condom worked.

It was a pattern that repeated itself throughout his entire life. Eventually, Rodney decided it was best not to bother looking for love any more. He didn’t need it, no matter what The Beatles said. Who needed love when there was science and engineering and discovery and wormholes and the chance to explore the galaxy.

Choosing to take the potentially one way trip to Atlantis wasn’t exactly an agonising choice when there was no-one who loved you to stay for.

* * *

Rodney thought that he’d found something good on Atlantis. Not love, he knew it wasn’t that, but perhaps it was something like it. Acceptance, maybe? Respect?

He carved out a place for himself - for all of him, not just his intellect - and it felt a lot like those first eight years of his life did, when he had a father and a sister who - - well, it didn’t matter what it felt like because it didn’t last. 

It never did.

Doranda happened and it turned out that the people he thought were starting to care about him only cared about his big brain and what it could do for them after all.

It was a mistake that he would only make once.

Things smoothed over after Doranda eventually - Jeannie even came back into his life and didn’t seem to actively hate him any more - but Rodney didn’t ever mistake it for love, or anything like it, again. 

He continued on as he had been. He spent time with Radek in the labs, accompanied Teyla to the mainland whenever she asked. He shared beers with Ronon and Carson, talked about classical music with Elizabeth. He shared everything with John, everything John wanted from him was his to take.

* * *

Rodney’s own capacity to give love had never been in doubt.

* * *

And then he found himself dying. 

The Ascension machine had been fun for a little while, even if the mind reading had been hard to deal with. He knew he wasn’t a well-liked man, it didn’t mean that he wanted to hear exactly how disliked he was. 

Ascend or die.

Rodney figured he should do something nice for the people he loved before he went so he set about doing his last deeds and if Elizabeth thought that he was just trying to better his soul so he could ascend, well, he shouldn’t really have expected anybody to think more of him.

And then it all came down to this. Stuck in a bed, barely able to move with all the people he loved surrounding him.

It was actually kind of nice. As ways to die go, it wasn’t terrible.

“ Rodney, as far as this ascension thing, I know you didn't have much success but at this point, what've you got to lose?”

Rodney smiled absently. Of course, John would want him to go out fighting. Rodney figured that it wouldn’t cost him anything to do this one last thing for him.

“Hook me up,” he said. “Clear blue skies. All my troubles, just drifting away. OK ... stop talking now.”

Then Elizabeth went and turned his world around.

“Rodney, you’re a good person. Know that we love you.”

It seemed almost cruel, to lie to him in his last moments, but she sounded so sincere. They all did. Rodney breathed deeply and unlocked the door that he had slammed closed against the mind reading. What did he have to lose after all? He was dying anyway, it’s not like he’d have to live with their true feelings for long.

The door opened and - - - 

“You love me,” he breathed, finding the surge of emotion hard to believe. “Really?”

“In the way that a friend feels about another friend,” John answered awkwardly.

He was so clearly lying that Rodney would have laughed if he had more energy. John’s love for him was so big, so complete, that it was like another person in the room. It was - - - 

Rodney didn’t know what had done to deserve love like this but he was damned if he was going to give it up so easily.

He concentrated on the feelings surrounding him, urging his brain to come up with a way to stay, to - - 

“Oh my God,” Carson sounded wrecked, his pain a knife in Rodney’s head and suddenly Rodney knew exactly what to do. He surged up in the bed and grabbed Carson by the lapels of his medical coat. Staring frantically intto Carson’s eyes he wills his friend to understand, to hear him, to save him, to let him keep these feelings, to - - - a bright white light sucked Rodney downwards and all he could think was that he hoped it worked. But even if it didn’t - - Rodney knew that he was loved, knew that he was deserving of love and that was a gift beyond measure. 

Rodney had learned how to be loved again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like your very own gift fic - please choose a square from my hurt/comfort bingo card. - There's only a few squares left to be chosen - you guys are the best.
> 
> [Bingo Card](https://respoftw.dreamwidth.org/55888.html)
> 
> Crucifixion is next and I don't know what it says about me that I think I'll have an easier time with that prompt than I did with this one.....


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